Japanese views on dating

[GoNative]

I must admit that I have never overly enjoyed sharing a bed with someone else. I just sleep better alone. My wife and I though had always shared the same bed (or futons pushed together) until our daughter came along. In the first 6 months or so our daughter mostly slept in our bed and I often would move to the spare bedroom to get a good nights sleep. She now spends the night in her own room but I still often sleep in the spare bedroom. I generally do this if I have stayed up much later than my wife (which I usually do) and I don't want to wake her up when coming to bed. She usually goes to bed a lot earlier than I do as she usually gets up earlier when our daughter wakes in the morning. Currently I'd say I would sleep in the spare bedroom a 2-3 nights a week.

[steven]

That's interesting. I can understand that perspective very much. That might actually help give a plausable explanation for the survey's results. Perhaps the fact that a lot of men get home late from work (or have long nights drinking after work) there is a tendancy for them to sleep in another room out of convenience-- which means they're trying not to wake the wife or need to get a "good night's rest" for the next day or whatever it may be.

I was thinking along the lines that some couples who were "matched" when they were younger just don't want to sleep together every single night. That may be the case for some people, but who knows.

I wonder what a similar survey would look like for the UK/AU/CN/US etc.

[Nyororin]

The bed thing tends to be more about different life patterns and children, rather than any matching issues. When small children usually sleep with the mother, dad coming home late and getting into bed can wake everyone up... And even if there aren`t children and the everyone comes home early - it can mean better sleep for everyone. They can go to sleep when they feel tired and not worry about being woken up by, or waking up, the other.
Plus, I`ve noticed that there is a bit of "if we don`t sleep together every night, when we do it`s something special" feel to it - which isn`t really a bad thing.

I also have never really slept well in the same bed with someone else. I always feel overly warm no matter the season, and wake up pretty frequently. I also like to sleep in a position that doesn`t usually work too well with another person next to me - so it was pretty common to have to spend quite some time just trying to find a relaxing and comfortable position with the part of the bed available to me. Back when we shared the same bed, my husband and I used different blankets with the same futon. When we bought beds, instead of a single big bed, we bought two (a single and a semi-double) and now sleep in different beds (both in the same room).

My husband could sleep anywhere, in any position. He would be just as happy with us in the same bed. But I`m a lighter sleeper so I get much better sleep.

I love and adore my husband, but that certainly doesn`t overcome physical discomfort that simply isn`t necessary at all... especially at night, every night, when sleeping.

I kind of wonder why there is such a strong tendency for separate beds to be thought of as something bad in the west... And why it seems to be connected to a lack of love in the relationship. Even Steven makes and assumption along these lines with the "matched" bit. Applying the norms of western culture to it doesn`t really make much sense, as it`s pretty normal to sleep in separate beds so there is no stigma. There is no extra meaning to it - it doesn`t hint at a couple that isn`t happy, or that don`t love each other.

[GiannaR]

I'm not sure if this is exactly on topic but I was curious how the marriage roles work, like.. are men domestic at all in Japan? like would there be a case where they watch the kids or do the dishes? or is that just, not going to happen since they work so much and the wife is just the normal house wife.

[dogsbody70]

I would have thought that how couples sleep at night is there own business.


part of sleeping witjh a partner is having cuddles that would not probably happen if in a separate bed. Hugs are wonderful. doesn't always have to end in sex. also talking in bed can be lovely. when both are relaxed.


We separated many years ago-- separate rooms--mainly due to my husbands snoring--- I found it hard to begin with but now Love having my own space.

He loves doing crosswords-- I love to read in bed. I am very fidgety-- it would be unfair to disturb myhusband when I am so restless. Of course SPACE can be a way to stay in a double bed-- or I imagine Futons are easy to move about. Of course I am in my seventies so guess that makes a difference too LOL.

When I was in childrens homes, we loved to chat in the dormitory--its in the dark that one can relax and share thoughts etc.

to each his or her own I say whereever you live.

[dogsbody70]

Originally Posted by GiannaR

I'm not sure if this is exactly on topic but I was curious how the marriage roles work, like.. are men domestic at all in Japan? like would there be a case where they watch the kids or do the dishes? or is that just, not going to happen since they work so much and the wife is just the normal house wife.

surely a lot of women work in Japan. Not all stay at home do they?

Here in UK both need to work just to pay all the bills.

[steven]

Nyororin, I didn't mean to "assume" that so to speak. I just meant that maybe that could be one of the reasons... I really don't know though. Matched marriages often seem to work out in the long run quite well (which may simply be because they have to), but I've heard a few stories about how they don't quite work out in the affection department.

Needless to say, it seems like you (Nyororin) and dogsbody both have very specific reasons... I wonder if those surveyed also have similar reasons or if it is something more.

Dogsbody is right though-- it's quite a funny topic to talk about. It is a Japanese survey though! I think it's interesting to note the definition of bed though on the survey *seems to include futon*. It's also interesting to note the demographic, with the majority being in their 40's. Although I don't really consider 40's to be 'older', it is the 'oldest' in the survey.. and I always attribute older generations to matched mariages, which I'll admit is an assumption on my part.

At any rate, that blog has a lot of very fascinating surveys from Japan. I think you might get a kick out of it Dogsbody.

[GiannaR]

Originally Posted by dogsbody70

surely a lot of women work in Japan. Not all stay at home do they?

Here in UK both need to work just to pay all the bills.

Well i'm not saying that a woman doesn't work at all, kind of more like thinking that once they do have children the woman might take the time to raise them? or would they be in school most of the time anyways? the school systems also come into play, but i'm mainly curious about the man, is it unusual for them to work around the house? directed towards anyone who would know from personal observation or something..

[Columbine]

Originally Posted by Nyororin

I kind of wonder why there is such a strong tendency for separate beds to be thought of as something bad in the west... And why it seems to be connected to a lack of love in the relationship. Even Steven makes and assumption along these lines with the "matched" bit. Applying the norms of western culture to it doesn`t really make much sense, as it`s pretty normal to sleep in separate beds so there is no stigma. There is no extra meaning to it - it doesn`t hint at a couple that isn`t happy, or that don`t love each other.

I was always really confused by this growing up. My Dad had his adenoids removed as a young man and they messed up the operation and now he snores horrendously. Because it's an actual physical abnormality, none of the usual strips and sprays work at all to help it. So my mum has pretty much -always- slept in a separate room. As a small child, I always assumed this was how everyone's family worked, so it confused me when people would get awkward and apologetic whenever I innocently mentioned that "that's mummy's room, and that one's daddy's room." I learnt to gloss over it as I got older, or hastily explain about the snoring, but it's always infuriated me that people make snap judgements over the health of my parent's marriage, because they don't sleep in the same room. Or start getting creepy sympathetic or extra nice to me because -clearly- my parents were cold and on the verge of snapping and splitting up and oh won't someone think of the children~ *eye-roll*

Ironically, the worst culprit for that was someone shared a bed their entire marriage, and then got into a really bitter divorce.

TL;DR: It doesn't mean squat in my book.

[steven]

From what I've seen, most guys don't really do that house kind of stuff. Some younger guys do, but I've never really seen older guys take care of that kind of thing. While I'm sure there are many exceptions to this rule, that is generally how I've seen it. I do want to put emphasis on the fact that younger couples seem to be more balanced (in the western point of view) in my opinion.

As far as women go, once they have kids I've heard it's almost more economical to get a part time job than to take on a full time one (unless the full time job pays really well). What I've heard is that this has to do with tax issues. In otherwords, taxes become more leniant for part-time working mothers. Therefore monetarily speaking it doesn't make that big of a difference to work part time instead of full time. So that extra time can be spent with the kids, doing stuff around the house, or getting a hobby (like sewing or narai-goto [classes], etc). Also, when a woman gets pregnant, they can usually take like a year off (I think I've heard of two years before... but I think a year is pretty average with a year and half sometimes as well). After that is done, I think some people go back to work and some people get part time jobs.

And dogsbody, although I think that things might be changing in Japan (due to the economy as well as other reasons I'm sure), I've noticed that a well paying salary job can cover a family. I'm sure the cost of living is cheaper where I am, but that's how I've seen it. I think that there have been some cuts though... from what I've heard people used to get more money based on whether they had kids or not and those kinds of general circumstances. I guess that hasn't been happening as readily lately.

I bet Nyororin has a lot to say about these things actually. I'm looking forward to seeing what she has to say about this. I was wondering if the tax thing applies to all of Japan or if it's just a more local thing. Do you know the specifics about that?